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ItHappensHere
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Name: Taylor
Birthday: 9/29/1987
Gender: Female
Interests: music was my first love. i like coffee, writing, art of all kinds... some day i'll own a coffee shop and bookstore...
Expertise: love of life's small pleasures
Message: message me
AIM:  Tay258
Member Since:
11/7/2004
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| First and foremost, I don't know why I chose that title other than to say I feel helpless. (Although now that I read it again-it would make a sweet poem title I think.) I have also come to accept the fact that I only will write in this when I am at an emotional low, occasionally a highpoint will work its way in here, but not usually.
At any rate. I feel helpless. The person I love most in this world is suffering, and following standard plot line number 23, I can't do anything about it. Not only does it suck because I am unable to ease his pain and worry in this situation, but it's elevating my stress level as well. I can't focus when he's down, so I end up here. I worry too much.
He is in trouble for something dumb. He moved a backpack, and so the kid threatened to shoot him. Maybe it's the fact that there is blond hair at my roots and I am missing something, but I really just do not get it. Practical joke or not, that is a harmless act and the kid needs to settle the fuck down NOW. Not to mention, if I were that kid's parents... his ass would be 6 feet under, not Alex's. What is wrong with these people?
Now he might get fired? None of this makes any sense and I feel like I'm caught in the middle of a loony bin. My first instinct is to tell him to just quit and get the hell out of there, but he won't. That's not like him. They have already brought him down enough... this is just arsenic icing on a rotten cake. He is too good for them... he has fresh ideas, and drive. They are stale. From what he has told me it seems as though it's like he is curry seasoning someone brought to a pancake breakfast--out of place. I'm afraid they're ruining him, and if they do, I... well I don't even know how to describe how angry I will be. UPROAR. That's all I got.
I worry for him because I know he will worry too much... but we both suffer from that ailment so I'm at a loss. I just want him to come out of this with his spirit unscathed....
Here's hoping.
Later days, more sensible schools.
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| Well... here I am back again on this silly internet blog instead of diligently working as I should be. Ah well, it's how it goes. At any rate... today felt like it lasted a lifetime. From the chapel service this morning through about 6pm in the evening I was pretty much a blubbery mess... went through an entire package of Kleenex, but that's what grief will do to you. I have decided this:
No matter what people say when they criticize your relationship or "lack thereof" with someone who has died--and you know that you loved them--that's all that matters. Fuck the rest of those assholes, but at the same time hug them because they're going through hell too.
Hugging Jens today was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
It was pretty much a downer of a day until Alex came over to claim his keys. He is so cute he loses them all the time and it makes me smile. I'm very grateful that he forgot them today especially though, as he is quickly becoming my rock. I like that things are different this time around... he lets me love him now, and I'm lucky for it.
Also... I had another warm-fuzzy moment when he was trying to molest me with Lionel the lion puppet... he's going to make a great father some day. His eyes light up when he's playing around with someone he loves... they way they do when he talks about teaching, and you can just tell. I also almost told him that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him today, but the thought scared me... so I was sure it would terrify him, so I refused to say. Probably a smart plan... at least for now. We'll see how Oregon goes... 24 days!!!! Sooooooo excited.
And now... I must actually be productive or I will flunk my ass out of scholarships. Eek.
Later days, hopefully less of life's bullshit and more fuzzies to come.
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| I experienced my first real encounter with death yesterday... Katie died. She rolled her car. I don't think it's fully hit me yet, but all I know is that it hurts. It's been a roller coaster of a weekend... and I think I just need to process everything. I have a paper that I need to be writing, but I can't focus on that now.
Thanksgiving has come and gone, and it's still officially my favorite holiday. This time I got to share it with the person I love most--Alex. I can't even begin to describe in words how happy I was to have him there, but simply stated it was perfect. He meshed perfectly with the family, memorized all their names, and everything just felt very natural... not to mention, everyone loved him. All of this is such a new sensation... I'm not used to universal acceptance of the guy's I've brought home in the past and that's definitely a big indicator that this one is beyond special. I stayed with him Friday night and we had another one of those butterfly moments, and I don't care if they are overly sappy or stupid--they are truly intimate and the fact that he is willing to have those kind of talks with me means the world. It's a large part of the reason why it's so easy to love him.
Friday him and I went over to Diane's house so he could help her clean up and I could help with whatever else--which ended up meaning talking with her and playing with her two year old daughter Besty. So cute. Diane and I ended up having a good talk about Alex and I while she was putting clothes away. Apparently she knew he loved me before he did, and is convinced that we're going to get married some day... I like that thought. A lot.
After that I went out with Carrie and it was good to reconnect with her. I love her muy much. Then Saturday rolled around and I did family things in the morning... we got our Christmas tree and on the way home from the lot we drove by a funeral which is one of life's creepy foreshadowings because not 4 hours later I got a phone call from Ashley Hovey telling me that Katie had died in a car accident earlier that morning. I'm glad I was alone when she told me because I completely broke down. I am so glad I was on my way to Alex's though... he was the only one I wanted to see because, call me selfish, all I could think about after the initial shock of losing Katie was the fact that I can't lose him. Honestly, I do not know what I would do. He has quickly become my rock over these last couple of months and is my world. Ugh... scary business. He helped a lot last night though too with the whole Katie thing... we just laid in his bed and he held me while I cried. He canceled our plans so that I could stay in for the night, ordered us pizza and sat through the extended Two Towers for me.
Today I was supposed to be productive... but being back at Augsburg makes that so hard. I called Jens this morning to see how he was doing. I'm so worried about him and I wish I could just give him a hug... we only talked for a couple of minutes, and he said he was ok, but I could hear the hurt in his voice. Nothing can make this easier for him and that's a hard thing for me to accept. Then I got in an argument with Grieger because he thinks Alex is a "square" because he is nerdy?? I get really frustrated because they are not very accepting of new people to the group--they don't like change or differences and they are juvenile. I almost feel like that point in life where we will all split apart is upon us, and that too makes me sad. I've known them and loved them as friends for a very long time, but it's just not working anymore...
Now I'm siting in the library staring at the computer trying to work on school stuff... but I can't stop thinking about Katie. She was the first friend I made here, and one of the few girls that I could talk to. I tend not to get a long very well with other girs, but Katie was different. We hit it off pretty fast, and even though Freshman year was a bit rough, we got past it. I'm sad our friendship can't continue to grow, but I'm glad I got the time I did. She was truly something else. I wrote her a letter... it was hard for me... I felt stupid sitting in the library doing it because I started crying, but oh well. It doesn't even matter at this point.
Love and death seem to go hand-in-hand for me this weekend... it's odd because it's a common discussion topic for my Shakespeare class. The latter makes you so treasure the former, it's unbelievable... but all about perspective. I just want to be back in Alex's arms. I just want to see him...
Now the song from Gladiator "Now We Are Free" has come on... and it's beautifully perfect.
Almighty Freedom
Almighty freeer of the soul
Be free
Be free
And imagine
Free with peace at last
It's lovely
It's lovely, this land
No one can believe or understand
How far I came just for my lovely family
I should have been there
with them when the world crashed down
But now they rest with me. I'll never forget
How I felt that moment
I became free.
Later days, love for Katie.
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| It is an ungodly hour of the morning right now. 2:47am to be precise. What I am doing awake, I do not know. Well... yes, yes I do. That annoying writerly part of me has been mused and won't shut up about it until I jot a few things down.
Rarities are what I live for. This morning I drove. My tires treaded the pavement in the early hours, passing underneath the Franklin Avenue bridge, the skyline was unveiled. The city hushed, eyelids closed in slumber. The normal glow of skyscrapers was dimmed for a few short hours of rest before the early morning employees made their stand. It's an odd sight really. The steel is camouflaged against the blackened night sky, and you can only tell the buildings are there by subtle outlines. They tuck themselves in and curl up in the clouds and if you look closely, you can see their rhythmic breathing. Even now, the city is alive.
Continuing on, I made my way home knowing full well I too should be sleeping. When I turned onto 21st, I saw campus was dormant as the city. Even college students had now retreated into the arms of lovers, resting their heads on each others' chest, breathing together in sync. I had never felt so alone, nor so at peace. There were no distractions, no concerns, just a perfect quiet stillness... A bliss I haven't been graced with in entirely too long. I wish I could describe this better and really articulate my emotion, but per usual words cannot do it justice.
Later days, more early morning bliss.
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| So... I am in an unusually truthful mood at the current time... so I am going to get some stuff off my chest. Here goes: I am terrified of being alone. I just want someone to hold me and lay in bed with. Also, making out with someone would be the nicest thing in the world... that sounds really juvenile and maybe it is, but at this point I don't care. I just want to know that someone is there who cares for me the way I care for them. I don't need it as a form of self-reassurance because I absolutely love who I am... I just really miss having someone there and I'm ready to have that feeling back. Soon hopefully.
Later days, fewer raging and repressed hormones...
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